reflecting on 25

i turned 26 today, and as a matter of habit, that means it is time to reflect on 25.

up until this point, my 20s have been both stereotypical and odd. there was the emotional year of graduating. or the awkward year of redefining life after college. there was the itchy growth year of looking for community and finding myself, instead. and the soft year of remembering what it’s like to live at home, sans the teenage angst. my 20s have had squares on screens and eyeliner-stained cheeks and aimless walks that tiktok made into a whole aesthetic.

all of that made 25 feel like, as shyam put it, “the first year of real life” after an interlude of dramatic and then quiet change. this year brought me back to san francisco. i got to make real decisions about stuff other than covid calculations; i had to make some uncomfortable decisions, like pausing from alcohol to prioritize mental health. i also got to make fun decisions, like which village is best for sunset at cinque terre (the answer is riomaggiore).

my experience with 25 is probably not too different from how you experienced whatever age you turned this year. it was resuming to life after a forced slow down, and learning what really changed about the way you live and the way you love. those of us that are around the same age, we get that AND the extra layer of unwinding from the pressure of what we thought our 20s should be like.

in 25, i kind of felt like i was constantly meeting myself again and then adjusting accordingly. like, it’s the first year that throwing a party gives me more anxiety than excitement. when i meet new people, i’m not really the person who hurries to ask for a fun fact anymore, but i listen and love a follow up question (and to be fair, will still dig within minutes of meeting someone for a love story, past, present, or hell, even future). i showed up for my family in ways i would’ve been too immature to in the beginning of my 20s. and i honored loss in a way that felt like processing, not dismissing. i love that i don’t take myself for granted anymore.

i ran my second half marathon! i became an ice cream person! i hit job milestones! i made new friends! let go of old ones! i had my first call ever with a book agent! i traveled the world with my person and, somewhere between florence and lake como, i cried at the beauty of a street! i began ordering clothes that were my size! i struggled with said choice! and maybe, most importantly, i let myself stop feeling guilty about not updating this blog on a regular basis!

i like who i am, but 25 has been a process to accept that ~ who i am ~ can be both innate to me and my principles, but also just be a fleeting personality trait that i’ll only get to appreciate once it’s gone. i love that 21 brought energy, 22 brought boldness, 23 brought determination, 24 brought independence, and 25 brought intent.

25 was a hard year and a beautiful and a balancing act of year. a real year.

to 26 being full of leaning in and remembering why,

n