people =/= good? + vulnerability
VICTORIA PASTRY, NORTH BEACH —
i’ve always believed that every person, at their core, is a good person. and after a really hard May, i’ve learned that that belief works more poetically than practically.
let me explain! this isn’t going to be a negative post! i swear!
ok so the problem with being stupidly optimistic about the hearts around you is that, if you look hard enough, you can rationalize anything almost always. a mistake is easily redeemed by a citation of a past behavior. warnings are looked at as one-offs. and don’t get me started about how magic the world of excuses for the one you love feels.
if that sounds like i play with fire, it’s because i do, often. and after a few two* many trip ups, i’m trying to be more practical.
more later, including the part where i get optimistic about this whole thing, but first my words + reads:
my words: i wrote about how when it comes to loneliness, nothing beats face to face vulnerability. here’s an excerpt: Sometimes Ilona Sturm just wants to grab a beer and hang out. But ironically, the older she’s gotten, the harder it is for the 57-year old Berkeley artist to make plans. One of her friends prefers to stay in and watch TV alone while another one has a significant other so she only makes time for date nights. Sturm’s daughter has left for college. Now the artist finds herself feeling lonely (like many people in their 50s).
So, when Sturm is in the mood for a casual beer, she goes alone to Acme Bar or Albatross and brings her drawing pad along.
“I’m 57, but I still think like a 30 year old,” Sturm said on a recent morning over the phone. “God help the folks that are not artists and don’t have the inner resources to [be alone].”
etc: it is so fun to talk to normal people that don’t live and breathe venture capital and startups. it gives me faith in the world and unfiltered people have the best, most romantic one-liners. thank you, ilona, for sharing your story with me.
learning lesson: this week i was at a dinner with female entrepreneurs, and we spent two hours going around and answering one question: why is it important for your voice to be heard at work? my answer: when your voice is heard at work, you finally realize when it wasn’t before. and having that perspective, even if in retrospect, is so valuable going forward. having a megaphone for my voice has probably been one of the biggest blessings of working at a startup.
unorganized tab time:
follow @sophiakunthara on twitter! she’s my new fab co-worker who covers late stage venture capital
anyways
as i try to be more careful with my heart, i’ve thought about losing faith as a whole. but in my opinion, there’s one thing worse than being practical: being cynical.
thankfully, the other day my friend shared this quote with me and things have felt a little more approachable.
“when people show you who they are, believe them.”
sometimes a person doesn’t act toxic. sometimes a person just is. and you wanting to change that descriptor isn’t the game changer that will make them back pedal into a place of health. sometimes the person isn’t looking to be changed.
but that quote also reminds me that when someone is steady, learn to live some of your love in that home. take people as they are.
am i searching for a grey area in a quote that is literally just trying to get me to have healthier relationships? maybe! let me live. the grey is helping.
at the end of the day, i am firmly in the camp that it is easier to rationalize and humanize someone than it is to take them for face value. so while i’m overall in the process of learning to make more eye contact with someone’s truth, i’m aware that i’ll always love a little too hard.
it has led to the best, warmest relationships in my life. it has led to reckless care given, and reckless care returned. it has led to the 4 a.m. conversations and the time-difference-be-damned facetimes.
and truthfully, a few mistakes don’t take that away.
cheers to a post with literally no resolution,
N
