on feeling behind

anxiety is hard because it disguises itself as ambition, wrapped around in high standards that society rewards as proof of relevance. in other words: it’s not that hard to convince yourself, every single day, that you are behind on something. there’s always someone to call, an e-mail to respond to, a deadline to meet or a story line that could a little extra love and attention.

and when you do make the call, answer the e-mail, finish the story and follow up with your sources on time, a whole new set of to do’s not-so-magically appears. you can’t just make the phone call, you have to follow up, build a relationship and think long term. you can’t just participate in the conversation, you need to be driving, challenging and questioning it.

the inability to truly ever be done with everything makes the feeling of ~ being behind ~ a little less relevant. feeling behind is a feeling that was not created to go away, it was meant to be hopelessly chased.

when i was 13, i had the best sandwich of my life in toronto. it was a crunchy aloo tikki patty with buttery bread, dressed with a spicy marmalade and definitely some other ambiguous fillings. more than a decade later, i’ve never had anything quite like it, no one in my family recalls the sandwich, and the closest i’ve ever come to solving the mystery was a taste of a dabeli sandwich in a random san diego shop within a strip mall.

what does the mystery of the elusive canadian carb have to do with being behind, you may ask? i’m always kind of hoping to stumble upon the sandwich one day or get a rogue text from my aunt that she remembered the shop that sold it to us, but i’ve also, well, found my peace with not ever having something like it again. i could keep chasing the taste of tangy goodness and getting disappointed every time it’s not what i remembered or i could be happy that the moment happened and keep on keeping on.

i honestly don’t think that metaphor worked so let me put it differently. it took me a while to realize that i’m not lazy if a to do list becomes evergreen. or that it’s okay that i had a good sandwich, once, and that is all and there’s no need to search for it constantly and then feel crappy when i can’t find it (hm, still doesn’t work, the sandwich is more about letting go then being behind isn’t it). calming down is even harder in a world where we schedule every minute of our lives with conference codes and camera on camera off dances. so much so that i feel guilty if i take a walk without calling to catch up with a friend or calling my family.

it can be exhausting to watch a feeling turn into a state of existence. sure, you can make the feeling of being behind turn into a quiet hum thanks to a returned package, doing laundry, making a call, but there’s always another thing to do. and the volume will increase as we get older, busier, happier and sadder. it will differ based on which of my identities takes up space today: journalist, daughter, sister, girlfriend, writer, dancer, runner, and, well, person who waits all week for house of dragons.

there’s no perfect ending here, as i literally still feel like i’m behind even when it comes to publishing this post. as i’ve said before, loving yourself in the present is harder than constantly telling yourself that you’re heading toward a better version of yourself. my vibe for this week is to appreciate my done did lists instead of do lists. and, with this post as the first step, to gently nudge myself to a spot where i’m a calmer juggler. one who knows it’s okay to drop the ball, because it doesn’t take away from the spectacle that is you and your balance to begin with.