natasha with a th + dumplings

before i loved my name, i wondered why it didn't look aesthetic as an instagram handle

BOXES, ON BOXES —

if you’re an indian american in the united states, you probably don’t blink when your friend goes to starbucks and says a completely different name. you probably don’t blink when your parents go by an “american” version of their actual name during meetings. and if you’re like me, and have a name that doesn’t sound “indian” in a traditional sense, you probably have surprised someone when they saw your face.

i won’t speak for everyone, but in my experience in the indian culture, names come with footnotes. they must have roots in india but also be able to assimilate into culture in the states, either through abbreviation or sheer construction. anyone who is a minority in the united states and has an uncommon name probably gets this tension.

Steadman™ @AsteadWesley

there's white privilege and male privilege and straight privilege and could u find your name in the personalized cups at a gift shop privilege

this tweet reminded me that there’s a reason i always found my name in a gift shop.

natasha wasn’t picked out of a hat, it was quite literally the byproduct of my parents trying to fit in their old world as they broke into their new one. natasha worked in the starbucks’ of suburbian jersey as is and with a heavier “h” it would work in new delhi and in bombay. my dad always reminds me that my name isn’t nuh-ta-shuh, but nuh-thah-shuh. natasha with a th, mind you.

while i’ve known this for my entire life, i am only just now starting to grasp what that really means beyond a punchline of fitting in.

more later, including twitter handle woes, but first my words + reads

my words: dumpling wants to make anyone become their own instacart.

etc: contractors who are now considered front-line providers of essential services for their wealthier customers in the age of social distancing brought on by the COVID-19 epidemic have struggled with lack of benefits, lost tips and wages, and a dearth of back-end support. it’s why dumpling is an important startup to know, if just to illustrate the tension that the gig economy has brought tech overall.

learning lesson: extension rounds are cool again, so never write off a boring investment vehicle as face value.

anyways,

one of my few distinct memories from childhood was not being able to spell my own last name. one morning, i grabbed the little placard outside my house that has my last name from its resting spot, put it on our dinner table, and spent the next few hours memorizing each letter. or until my mom saw that i had taken off a part of our house. i forget — but i do remember that it didn’t go back until i memorized it.

m-a-s-c-a-r-e-n-h-a-s.

years after the placard study session, i’d spend double that time just frustrated that the name i had tried so long to memorize didn’t look cute in an instagram or twitter handle. and somewhere in between those moments, i’d spend a part of my life secretly being happy that my name passed as non-indian. i’d hear people rolled the r and smile and not correct them.

fast forward, i proudly joke that i only became a journalist because my byline had too perfect of a ring to give it up. i love my last name and plan to never give it up.

what these anecdotes tell me isn’t just that i was a young, indecisive immature kid (i still kind of am). what they’re telling me is that accepting my culture is a political and complex conversation i’ve been having with myself my entire life, not just my early 20s. it is a place i have both hinged the culture i accept or escaped the culture i want to distance from. the same essay could be written about my lunch box, my music tastes, heck, even the way i used to spend my free time.

why should you care? first, it is helpful to realize where growth is hiding because it colors you in just a little bit more. i can’t imagine any better way to learn how to love yourself by understanding how you’ve been doing so subconsciously for years now. second, the power of understanding our own names is the first step in making sure we don’t let others gloss over us.

life is too short for you to butcher it, shorten it without permission, or settle for mispronunciation.

to natasha with a th,

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