a love letter to 2019 + that is all
AND I’M BACK, BAY AREA —
(back to originally formatting next week)
this past year, i graduated, got my first job and moved across the country. so why can’t i stop thinking about a sandwich from a little shop in south sf? and a music-less drive to los angeles? and my best friend’s text the day i got rejected from a stupid fellowship? and that day the two owners of the coffee shop i worked at told us they were selling the shop, only after they told us their teary love story of opening it in the first place?
you see at some point 2019 became, quite fittingly, deservedly, and symbolically, the end of a decade. it wasn’t a ‘13 or ‘17, which played their respective parts but stay in the past. 2019 was a year of grandeur, reflection, change, and yeses (as well as noes) that will impact me for years to come.
except, i don’t think the grandeur came from the moments i expected it to come from. this year wasn’t just about me graduating college, or getting my first job. it wasn’t just about getting on a plane to san francisco with a one way ticket. sure, years from now, those Big Moments might be what trigger my nostalgic memories of 2019. but right now, as this year comes to an end, it’s clear that the year’s strength was in its subtleties.
because after all that is said and done, i wouldn’t say 2019 was quite my year of hallmark moments in neat envelopes. think cheap trader joes cards picked up at checkout, but still do the job (and even come with cheese).
here’s what i mean:
when i was visiting a good friend from college in london, we spent a better chunk of a week together drinking waitrose wine and watching classic movies, and exploring london with wonder but also a healthy measure of comfort that we could just head home to drink waitrose wine and watch a classic movie if our feet got too sore. visiting him was my first deep dive into what life after college could look like. when i realized being far away from home had its own sense of built-in calm and stability, i finally booked my one way to sf.
the subtle strength of waitrose wine showed up in different forms as the year continued. i walked during graduation in may, but it only felt big when, days after, i sat on the sidewalk with my best friend at 2 a.m. and talked until it started raining (ok, i guess that one is a hallmark moment)
i started my first job, but i only teared up months later when i got chai with a long time journalist idol who took me more seriously than i ever took myself.
and i made a new life for myself in san francisco, but i only get chills when i realize that friendship came from spending every saturday in a big van with the same people, the same sandwich, and the same directionless agenda, and that more than friendship snuck its way in from small talk over iphone backgrounds, a night getting pinot noir at a beer garden, and realizing a mutual love for walking every tj aisle (twice).
what does this all tell me? that i should probably take back what i meant before, rolling my eyes at ‘13 and ‘17. maybe those years don’t have the one big flagship event that i’ll remember for years to come from thanks to diplomas and diary entries. but, they do have the small moments that built up anyways. 2019 wouldn’t have been the same without high school summers of spending weeks on end living with my best friend. or losing 40 pounds. or eating at the same thai place in new jersey everyday. or welcoming my brother into boston. or finally realizing my parents are my friends, too.
and realizing the strength is in the subtleties, my lovely subscribers, is a revelation worth celebrating for decades to come.
to another start,
n
